Spider bites and crunchy gym socks

WTF?!

I know right?  What do spider bites have to do with crunchy gym socks, or how does one lead to the other?

This is how.

Chris and I are sitting at the kitchen table tonight after sending things 2 & 3 to bed.  We were eating a very late dinner-ish meal because The Boy had a performance tonight for Merit.  I had just told The Boy to go to bed and he informed me that he must be sharing his bed with a spider because he had a few bites.  So he showed me one on his arm and then one on his shin.  I looked at the one on his shin and told him it wasn't a spider bite but an ingrown hair.  He saw a patch of red bumps on my wrist and asked what that was from.  I told him it's from the dog slobber from playing with Ru a few minutes before.  He lifted his shirt and said something about a rash he'd had a few summers ago that was on his chest.  Being the nosey mom that I am, I asked if he had any hair on his chest yet.  He said no but kind of pointed to his pits.

Me-M   The Boy-TB   Chris- C

M: "Oh, great now you have fuzzy pits."
All: Laughter.
M:"Do I need to start washing your sheets more?"
TB: "Once a week would be good"
M: "EW!  who wants to sleep on crunchy sheets?"
All: more laughter.
TB: Uncomfortable.
C: Do you need an adult?
M: "I guess it's time to tell you the house rules on masturbation.  If you feel the need to do so, only do it if you're alone or your brothers are asleep.  Use an old gym sock."
C: Don't use on old gym sock, especially a used one.
TB: Help!
C: Athlete's foot.  They don't call it jock itch for fun.
M: I need a grown up!  Help!
More laughter
C: use an old shirt, use something we don't want the ceiling spackled.
M & TB: HELP! GROWN UP!!
M: Let me know which shirt you're using, I don't want to put it back into wearing circulation, cum stains.
C: You gotta clean that shit up, jizz streaks.
M:  I will never own a black light!
C: Look! Someone was playing with liquid Tide.

The Boy is 12.  He'll be 13 in August.  He's noticing girls and they've been noticing him.  He's an amazing kid.  I gotta say, I liked it when they were little and I could put them down and they would stay put.  Toddlers were fun but exhausting.  Grammar school age is fun.  I like seeing the light bulbs above their heads turn on every few hours when they get something new.

I'm really liking 12.  He's moody, snarky, withdrawn, obstinate, defiant, funny, courteous, loving, insightful, observant, polite, helpful, and passionate.  Best of all, he's mine.